SAINT MARY OF EGYPT: HER LIFE STORY IN HER OWN WORDS

My beloved brothers and sisters in Christ Our Only True Lord, God, and Savior,

CHRIST IS IN OUR MIDST! HE WAS, IS, AND EVER SHALL BE.

SAINT MARY OF EGYPT: HER LIFE STORY IN
HER OWN WORDS.

"I am ashamed, Abba (Father), to speak to you of my disgraceful life, forgive me for God’s sake! But as you have already seen my naked body I shall likewise lay bare before you my work, so that you may know with what shame and obscenity my soul is filled… I shall tell you all without hiding anything, only imploring you first of all to pray unceasingly for me, so that I may find mercy on the Day of Judgment.
The elder wept and the woman began her story.

My native land, holy father, was Egypt. Already during the lifetime of my parents, when I was twelve years old, I renounced their love and went to Alexandria. I am ashamed to recall how there I at first ruined my maidenhood and then unrestrainedly and insatiably gave myself up to sensuality. It is more becoming to speak of this briefly, so that you may just know my passion and my lechery. For about seventeen years, forgive me, I lived like that. I was like a fire of public debauchery. And it was not for the sake of gain — here I speak the pure truth. Often when they wished to pay me, I refused the money. I acted in this way so as to make as many men as possible try to obtain me, doing free of charge what gave me pleasure. Do not think that I was rich and that was the reason why I did not take money. I lived by begging, often by spinning flax, but I had an insatiable desire and an irrepressible passion for lying in filth. This was life to me. Every kind of abuse of nature I regarded as life.

That is how I lived. Then one summer I saw a large crowd of Libyans and Egyptians running towards the sea. I asked one of them, ‘Where are these men hurrying to?’ He replied, "They are all going to Jerusalem for the Exaltation of the Precious and Life-Giving Cross, which takes place in a few days." I said to him, ‘Will they take me with them if I wish to go?’ ‘No one will hinder you if you have money to pay for the journey and for food.’ And I said to him, ‘To tell you the truth, I have no money, neither have I food. But I shall go with them and shall go aboard. And they shall feed me, whether they want to or not. I have a body — they shall take it instead of pay for the journey.’ I was suddenly filled with a desire to go, Abba (Father), to have more lovers who could satisfy my passion. I told you, Abba Zossimas, not to force me to tell you of my disgrace. God is my witness, I am afraid of defiling you and the very air with my words." And resuming her story, she went on:

That youth, on hearing my shameless words, laughed and went off. While I, throwing away my spinning wheel, ran off towards the sea in the direction which everyone seemed to be taking. And, seeing some young men standing on the shore, about ten or more of them, full of vigour and alert in their movements, I decided that they would do for my purpose. Shamelessly, as usual, I mixed with the crowd, saying, "Take me with you to the place you are going to; you will not find me superfluous.’ I also added a few more words calling forth general laughter. Seeing my readiness to be shameless, they readily took me aboard the boat and we set sail at once.

How shall I relate to you what happened after this? Whose tongue can tell , whose ears can take in all that took place on the boat during that voyage! And to all this I frequently forced those miserable youths even against their own will. There is no mentionable or unmentionable depravity of which I was not their teacher. I am amazed, Abba (Father), how the sea stood our licentiousness, how the earth did not open its jaws, and how it was that hell did not swallow me alive, when I had entangled in my net so many souls. But I think God was seeking my repentance. For He does not desire the death of a sinner but magnanimously awaits his return to Him. At last we arrived in Jerusalem . I spent the days before the festival in the town, living the same kind of life, perhaps even worse. I was not in contact with the youths I had seduced and who had helped me to get to Jerusalem; many others — citizens of the town and foreigners — I also seduced.

The holy day of the Exaltation of the Cross dawned while I was still flying about — hunting for youths. At daybreak I saw that everyone was hurrying to the Church, so I ran with the rest. When the hour for the holy elevation approached, I was trying to make my way in with the crowd which was struggling to get through the church doors. I had at last squeezed through with great difficulty almost to the entrance of the temple, from which the Life-Giving Cross was being shown to the people. But when I trod on the doorstep which everyone passed, I was stopped by some force which prevented me from entering. Meanwhile, I was brushed aside by the crowd and found myself standing alone on the porch. Thinking that this had happened because of my woman’s weakness, I again began to work my way into the crowd, trying to elbow myself forward. But in vain I struggled. Again, my feet trod on the doorstep over which others were entering the church without encountering any obstacle, I alone seemed to remain unwanted by the church. It was as if there was a detachment of soldiers standing there to prevent my entrance. Once again I was excluded by the same mighty force and again, I stood on the porch.

Having repeated my attempt three or four times, at last I felt exhausted and had no more strength to push and to be pushed, so I went aside and stood in a corner of the porch. And only then with great difficulty it began to dawn on me, and I began to understand the reason why I was prevented from being admitted to see the Life-Giving Cross. The word of salvation gently touched the eyes of my heart and revealed to me that it was MY UNCLEAN LIFE WHICH BARRED THE ENTRANCE TO ME. I began to weep and lament and beat my breast, and to sigh from the depths of my heart. And so I stood weeping when I saw above me the icon of the Most Holy Mother of God. And turning to her my bodily and spiritual eyes I said: "O Lady Mother of God, who gave birth in the flesh to God the Logos/Word, I know, O how well I know, that it is no honor or praise to thee when one so impure and depraved as I look up to thy icon, O Ever-Virgin, who didst keep thy body and soul in purity. Rightly do I inspire hatred and disgust before thy virginal purity. But I have heard that God Who was born of thee became man on purpose TO CALL SINNERS TO REPENTANCE. Then help me, for I have no other help. Order the entrance of the church to be opened to me. Allow me to see the Venerable Tree on which He Who was born of thee suffered in the flesh and on which He shed His Holy Blood FOR THE REDEMPTION OF SINNERS AND FOR ME, UNWORTHY AS I AM. Be my faithful witness before thy Son THAT I WILL NEVER AGAIN DEFILE MY BODY THE UMPURITY OF FORNICATION, BUT AS SOON AS I HAVE SEEN THE Tree of the Cross I WILL RENOUNCE THE WORLD AND ITS TEMPTATIONS AND WILL GO WHEREVER THOU WILL LEAD ME.’

(To be continued)

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"Glory Be To GOD
For
All Things!"
– Saint John Chrysostomos
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With sincere agape in His Divine and Glorious Diakonia (Ministry),
The sinner and unworthy servant of God
+ Father George